By Dave White
An Advocate.com exclusive posted October 17, 2008
But whatever. She loses anyway. Later, Project Runway.
I have a new favorite show. Destroyed in Seconds. It’s on Discovery. The whole show is about stuff getting wrecked and smashed and obliterated: cars, buildings, planes, towns; all the things a person can think about destroying get thoroughly decimated. In the episode I just watched, this one guy in Colorado got himself a bulldozer and then armored it with layers of steel and poured concrete, and then he went on a town-destroying rampage. His real-life Killdozer was, luckily, caught on tape while doing its thing. He even won a game of chicken with this other giant construction vehicle, and he just shoved the whole thing out of his way. I spent all three viewings of this footage -- twice for me, one to share with special friends -- fantasizing about having my own steel-reinforced battering ram and just driving down Wilshire, letting valet guys have fun parking it, crushing the vehicles of celebrities I find annoying. Like…well, dang, I had this whole rant written naming names of famous people’s cars I’d like to see compacted and then I realized that if someone actually went and played out my Killdozer fantasies by proxy that I’d get sued for it like Judas Priest by those suicide kids' parents.
Why couldn’t this entire season of Project Runway have been more like Destroyed in Seconds? Why no challenges that involved ejecting from a burning air-show plane and sewing a chic parachute before hitting the ground? Why not more fireballs in the Parsons workroom? Why no Tim Gunn careening through Diane von Furstenberg’s showroom in an out-of-control Saturn? Why, oh Runway, was this your least awesome season ever? WHY NO REUNION SHOW?! (And by the way, the blog called Project Rungay did its own pretty darn funny reunion show composed of still photos and captions, and I recommend it. I have no idea who does that blog. I’m not part of its "street team" or anything. But I like to help out fellow obsessives where I can. You’re welcome, PRgay; it’s a near-certainty that tens of readers will now check you out.)
I’m watching tonight’s finale with the usuals: Xtreem Aaron, his ex-BF Gary, and our friend Job (rhymes with “strobe”). The husband-partner-whatever lugs himself into the living room too and announces, “I can say it now: I have lost whatever give-a-shit-ness I had for this show. I no longer care.”
“I care,” I whisper earnestly. “I care a lot.” And just then, neighbor Jill walks in the front door unannounced, needing the Pyrex dish she brought over a couple days before. It used to be filled with a homemade meat pie. Now it contains the memory of meat pie. She knows I still like Kenley, in spite of it all -- because I enjoy chaos when it’s safely contained inside a TV -- and asks, “Who do you want to win, Dave?”
“Terri,” I say. Everyone in our house agrees that Terri was the raddest. But the past is past and it ain’t coming back. We have to pick up the pieces of our lives and move on. Gary wants snacks. We have Rice Krispie treats and Cheez-Its. Also beers. “Don’t eat all my Cheez-Its,” Xtreem Aaron says to Gary. “That box is part of my earthquake-readiness kit. How did they even get opened? Who’s been eating all my Cheez-Its?”
I’m about to unpause the TiVo and start the show, and now Job wants a retraction for something I wrote about him in an earlier recap. His beef is that, by omission, by stating that only XA and I were pro-Kenley, that I had painted Job as a Kenley-hater when in reality he’s actually Kenley-ambivalent, Kenley-unconcerned. His favorite is Leanne, and she has been his Cat Power-y choice since the first episode. There. Record set straight.
Opening caption on bottom of screen as I finally unpause TiVo: 3 DAYS UNTIL RUNWAY SHOW
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